So I’m going to just dive in and say it! “I am not coping!”
It’s hard to acknowledge this to myself but I am the smallest fish in the ocean, swimming amongst sharks and if I don’t get a grip, soon, I will sink for sure! It seems that there is no place in the world of “singles” for honesty! This is the hardest thing that I had to learn so far and I cringe at the thought of what my next lesson will be. At least I know that pain is involved, so I had better prepare.
Since being alone I have re-evaluated my approach to men and have decided to slack on my “no dating” rule. Yes, I hate dating! I honestly think that going out with guys is simply a waste of time and emotions… and I don’t mean this in a conceited way but I do not think that a man is worth me investing pre-date attire planning time and again date-day time, only to each go home and move on to the next person on the list. I would rather spend time getting to know someone and if there’s potential, take it to the next level. (Ironic, I know.)
Some people have been single for years and thus have had more practise at deceit! I am new to this and am being eaten alive! I need mentoring and I need it fast! I need a plan of action on how to get back to the “single me”. Mind you, the last time I was (sufficiently) single was in 2003. I was in my element and I was clued up on how to handle the single menfolk. Unfortunately that was literally 10 years ago. The way things are going I’ll need at least a year or two’s worth of singledom practice to be on par with the dating status quo.
The rules seem to have changed. Either that or I am the one who changed OR my preferences in men are the same as before and needs to change…? (Note to self)
Don’t get me wrong, I know how to be cruel. I’m sure my ex can write a book on the many ways that I am able to nail someone into the ground with just a look and a few choice words. The problem I am having is directing cruelty at the wrong person. I could never be cruel or mean to someone undeserving. The thing that most people (including my ex) misunderstand is the fact that I am and always will be honest. It may not come natural to me to be open about my feelings but I say what I mean and I do not mince words; so when it comes to speaking about my feelings to othes (good or bad) it seems to be a bit too intense for them.
This is where I am struggling at the moment. Being too honest about how I feel is the very thing that is not appreciated in the dating world! Now, not only do I have to prepare to invest more emotions, time and mascara on 1000 Mr wrongs but I also have to contend with my honesty not being appreciated.
They think that I am too intense but I’m being genuine. It’s tough being me right now! 😛
I am stronger than I look and I can take a lot of pain at once. I am a Princess who likes rainbows, butterflies and fairies. I will always (hopefully) believe in love and I am a giver of satisfaction (for one person of course). But I am a realist and I am well aware that these are things that are rare.
What has kept me sane through all the pain in my life has been a simple concept called ‘hope’. Being young at heart and easy-going is something that people will never get about me. Hope is what gets me up and going for round two and three and four and, and, and…
I don’t believe that I will find the perfect man, but I do believe that the man who knows the meaning of ‘respect’ will be the perfect man for me. Oh, and he must of course be attractive to me. 😉
Being on the receiving end of abuse such as deceit however, will most certainly not end well… for men. Once I am au fait with the world’s dating rules, I will established my own and incorporate that into my new persona.
Let’s talk about my crush (who is the one who taught me about how cruel the dating world can be):
At the moment my crush status is fading and it is probably for the better.
I am naturally a closed, cold and very cautious person, especially when it comes to my heart. I do not even need armour for my heart… it has just shrunk to the size of a pea allowing very little entry! But he got in. I liked him and I found out that he liked me too…because that’s what he told me. I decided to throw caution to the wind and tell him that I, too, like him. Then he started with distance.
He insists that he is a “bad boy” and “not good for me” citing differences in lifestyle and a high libido as reasons. If my past is any indication, a similar lifestyle is not something I need right now. As for libido… well, I think we all know that a man requires less effort and time, so I think I should be the one using that line!!
I should probably mention that he is not a Muslim – we all know that this is frowned upon in the world. It’s not my intention to like someone non-Muslim but unfortunately the heart wants what the heart wants… and my heart sees beyond religion; I see a person!
I don’t care what others think because I pray and answer to a God and not to a human. Only He can see into my heart and only He knows what I feel and go through. People who judge would be shocked to find out that in my personal romantic relationships with men, the ones who know how to treat a woman as a lady, has been non-Muslims. (Note to self)
Anyway back to my crush; he has no idea how diverse my background is and exactly how ‘culturally sensitive’ I am and can be. I am the Mr Miyagi of mixed backgrounds!!
I have tried to convince him that lifestyles can be merged. It has been in vain, of course. I guess he knows himself better than what I know him so I should probably take his warnings as a sign that he really isn’t a good person and quit pursuing this with him. Clearly he has not being truthful about the romantic things he has been saying to me. I need to face reality now!
At this point the only thing that would turn me away is if he were a slut (I don’t do well with sharing men), which he said he is not. Unless he IS a slut and just doesn’t want or know how to tell me. Either way, he has judged me as being someone I am not and has decided to lead me on instead. I am strong but not strong enough to take being toyed with… (and not in a good way!)
Crushed by a crush… seems fitting 😦
ToxicSweety over and out!
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