Hello everyone. I have to apologise for my more than usual silence. Over the last few months it seems that life decided I needed a bit of a roller-coaster ride to hell and back. I had to take a bit of time off as I moved through all stages of the negative emotions; sadness, anxiety and anger. It’s not so much the sadness and anxiety that kept me from writing but rather the anger. If you are familiar with my writing you will know that I have very strong view points, which at times offend some. I write from the heart: whatever is inside it is penned for you to read; and when my heart is hit by the tri-factor: broken, hurt and upset, it affects the tone of my writing which may come across as ugly. So instead of pushing out a flurry of hate-anger-burst-posts, I decided to pause my online activity whilst I fought my pain the traditional way: head-on.
I rode the wave of pain, gloves in hand and fought back as life ripped me a new one. Apparently when God deals you your test in life, he dishes it out in truckloads at a time! My prepared levels stood midway as I faced the bucket loads of shit being flung my way from the fan of life.
Now, almost 3 months later, I have recovered and am ready to resume as normal. Before I get into the nitty gritty of what has been happening, I have to add a little thank you to all my readers. It is so heart-warming to see tweets and emails of concern, positive messages, inspiration quotes, funny pictures and even the racist jokes to cheer me up – they all contributed to the smile that I have on my face right now.
So here’s what’s been happening:
The bad things
Family: (Mom) The beginning of the year saw a very difficult time in my family. My Mom was hospitalised and had to have a major operation. She was sent home with an open wound where we could literally see into her body; wires, guts and all. As the second eldest daughter (and currently the eldest sibling in the house) I had to show a brave face for my younger sisters and my Dad; especially after my Mom’s health started deteriorating whilst in our care. She lost her appetite after not being able to hold down any foods that we fed her. Luckily, as a last ditch attempt, my Doctor instincts remembered Ensure – a magical formula that was prescribed to me by a fatigue Doctor a few years ago when I was pulling 12 hour shifts without proper nutrition.
For those who don’t know, Ensure (Read HERE for more) is a liquid shake which contains all the nutrients in a full balanced meal. Basically if you have to eat but are unable to, (like after surgeries) then this is ideal. I took this when I had my wisdom surgically removed. Since I am a carnivore, I could not live on it for longer than 3 days, so I succumbed to slowly chewing my meat with my bloody mouth. Hmmm!
Family: (Dad) Anyway, then my Dad the hardest working person I know, suffered an injury recently. He was spraying the inside of a client’s bathroom and woke up on the floor clutching his head! It was a scary time indeed.
During this time, my ex was nowhere in sight and I was unable to lean on him for a kind word or support because this was considered expecting too much. Instead his sister was blasting the most horrendous messages on social media and emailing me with same intent. The funniest thing was that I found out by text messages and emails from followers quoting her social media blasts. Mind you, this was the most contact initiated from her side since I started dating my ex 3 years ago. It hurt me that the family I thought I knew started showing their true colours, and over social media no less, which was very ugly indeed.
No matter- my Dad will tell anyone that I grew up tough and the childish remarks of a sour teenager who never bothered to reciprocate any of the invitations I extended as an attempt to build a decent relationship, was most certainly not going to knock me down. After all, my parents were ill and so I was needed in the real world.
Now for the good stuff, some positivity:
Relationship: Many have been wondering about the whispers that have been doing its rounds and yes, it is true… I am single. After 3 and a half years of dating, (that’s half a lifetime for some) I have final ended the toxic union I shared with Deen (who will be referred to from here on as my ex.) It was not easy to do but definitely the right thing for my own sanity and well-being.
Some of you might wonder why this would be part of the “good news” section. Well, it’s quite simple really. I will tell you what I told his sister who kept harassing me with emails after I broke things off: “In hindsight, losing someone with an utmost lack of respect and inability to look beyond the physical, is not a loss but actually a gain”. Also, after 2 years of being unhappy with someone, when it finally ends, it’s more of a relief than anything.
I thought I knew him but I did not. When I realised that giving was a one-way street to him and reciprocity was not on his agenda, I had to kneel and pray for a sign, literally. He laughed when I told him this was my intention but it would seem that Devine prayers are not to be trifled with! It was painful to accept but I was shown the depth of selfishness he had and when our final meeting ended in a battle of fists, I knew that he was not the so-called man that he claimed and most certainly not someone deserving of my emotions.
My studies: As the promoter of women-upliftment and continuous learning, I am proud to announce that I have acquired my second qualification. On the 19th June 2013 I was awarded my postgraduate honours degree in Organisational Psychology! Whoop Whoop! I studied part time whilst working full time and let me assure you that this was no easy feat! Needless to say that it is not something that I would rush into any time soon. For now, I’m giving the books a rest and will pursue my other interests. Piano playing can resume, my cooking passion, sewing passion, the list goes on and on…!
THEN… if you follow my activity on social media, you would have picked up that I have a small crush. I cannot divulge too much because, well, I don’t know too much myself. It’s really complex. No, it’s actually more confusing than complex.
Here’s the low-down:
I started to like this guy who somehow found out.
People have warned me against him before (in normal conversation), some saying that he’s an “a-hole” or a “prick” (not my words). I do not entertain gossip as I make my mind up about others based on my own experiences with them; and I have never seen this (bad) side to him since “knowing” him. Anyway, we got along fine and I have always enjoyed his company, platonically.
A few weeks ago, we started speaking more and more. The speaking is not what got me doing the double-take. No, I have more self-control than that! Besides, I am fully aware of men who say things to women just for the sake of an ego boost. Anyway…I was innocently minding my business one day, chatting to him, in company, when he showed me a glimpse (small bit) into his heart. Right there and then I felt my mind and body sinking into the quicksand of emotions, as I tried hopelessly to cling to my inner strength. Alas, it was not meant to be and since then I was plagued with a nasty splinter in the head that is my crush! I tried to fight it but others started noticing my reactions around him. (I am an open book when my body and emotions are not in perfect equilibrium.)
One day he confessed (via text message) to sharing similar feelings for me. Ordinarily he is very confident but it turns out when it comes to speaking about his feelings or anything related he closes up. Anyway, because of… his work, he does not really know how to address my or his feelings. Well, I guess I cannot speak of his feelings because I really don’t know. So, we don’t know how to address my feelings.
We went on a date last week Sunday and all ‘feelings’ talk was pretty much barred and I was practically accused of getting onto the ‘serious discussion’ horse when I brought the topic up. How else does one get to know someone without asking the awkward questions?
Ever since Sunday I have seen him, I have spoken to him but no mention of the infamous feelings topic or Sunday. Right now I am stuck in limbo as to the temperature of this matter. As far as I can tell, he is probably afraid that I am falling in love with him or worse- already in love. I have no clue!
Maybe someone could help me decipher this situation…? Is this how dating works? You like someone, you dress up to go out, go home, then nothing! Am I so out of touch and old-fashioned that the concept and dynamic of courtesy no longer exists in dating? I guess I have a lot to learn. Just the thought of doing this again and again and again makes me dizzy and nauseous. To be honest, If this is the norm then I don’t see myself enjoying dating very much.
Just because you talk about emotion and feelings doesn’t mean things have to get serious. Or what are the rules these days? Growing up, I actually had a “NO DATING” policy, (which I broke for one man about 5 years ago). It takes a lot out of me to “put myself out there” as people like advising me. Despite certain odds, I would have liked to see where things could have gone with “him” but there’s a point at which one has to take a hint. Although, now I have a million and one questions. Like, why did he tell me about his ‘feelings’? Was it just to make me confess to him? Why go through all the trouble? Ego boost? Sigh! My head is about to explode because these questions are considered too serious.
I guess I suck at the dating game and need some serious coaching on the do’s and don’ts. I am a princess at heart and I love to give of myself whole-heartedly, no matter what I do. It looks like moving forward, I am in for a rocky horror road! My “no dating” policy will have to be revised if I am to weed out the boys from the men. Boy oh boy am I going to have my ass handed to me. I am swimming in deep waters, surrounded by sharks. Time to sink or swim, I guess.
Phew! That was a mouth full! Let’s hope life does not decide to offload on me any time soon! I think I have enough to keep me busy for now 😉
Anyway, this was just a summary of the highlights in my life. I will post the full version shortly.
Let me leave you with this little bit of advice: Never be too proud or afraid to kneel before whichever Deity you worship and ask him for help. Often the humans in our lives are unable to give us the answers we so dearly crave and if you are like me and expect honesty and genuine-ness, then most humans pale in comparison.
Finally… if you feel a certain way about someone (good or bad) let it out, no matter how stupid you think you look. Honesty is the road that the fearless and courageous walk! Open up and be free!
This week I am starting my Bujinkan training (see Facebook page HERE) in the arts of stealth and finesse, which will see my journey to becoming what I am destined to be… a Ninja.
Dont forget to catch me on Twitter @ToxicSweety_!
ToxicSweety over and out!