I wish I were not what I am… not what I am not

This week’s writing challenge has proved to be just that- a challenge of note. Admittedly I had to do a bit of research on the subjunctive because it has been a while since leaving school and my theoretical English knowledge has been filed away. I am better suited to practising the English rules than being able to rattle off the rules. Nonetheless, I am the eternal student and linguistics interests me so I didn’t mind brushing up on my language rules.

I thought I’d do a post that requires introspection, something that many of us tend to avoid, willingly or unwillingly. I myself have been lacking in the in-depth contemplative department, of late and I have been feeling a bit ill-challenged as a result. This post could not have come at a better time.

My thought-process centered on my character, my core as an individual and how I am in relation to how I would like to be. Reality vs. what could be.

Growing up I have struggled with confidence. People have always thought otherwise because I project an image of confidence. Also, I hardly smile at strangers and my “default face” is serious, so I give of a “stuck-up” aura, apparently. This is untrue. I guess as a means of simplicity, it’s easier for others to assume certain things about you without having to ask you. It has suited me perfectly as it has kept fake people away and only individuals of substance would brave talking to the “Ice Queen”. Basically my face was a deterrent for the fake people who care little to put in effort for friendship.

Getting back to confidence, after graduating and once I was ready to hit the employment market, I was facing another battle; an internal battle between projected confidence and actual shyness. In my personal life I was projecting confidence but was actually very shy whilst in interviews I was projecting shyness but was actually confident.

After kissing many opportunities goodbye through my own inhibitions, I decided that it was time to stop the stupidity. My mantra became a whisper to myself that people will judge me no matter what I do, so they might as well judge me for me.

So here I am today, fearless and proud that I am an original. Those whom I am unfamiliar with are still kryptonite to my confidence but that is slowly becoming a thing of the past.

I fear no human being! But I am still shy. This is my battle.

Be yourself. Enjoy life. Fear no human.

Laying the title bare, see below:

“I wish I were”: Expressing desire for…

“Not what I am”:  There refer to negative traits I possess, that I do not want to possess. These are my strongest attributes and play a large part of who I am. Perhaps changing this about me would have some effect on another aspect of me. Yet, it is something that I should either tone down or remove.

“Not what I am not”: These refer to negative characteristics that I do not have. Simply put, I am happy with the way I am.

Putting it together:
I do not wish to be anyone or anything other than who I am becoming. In my quest to become the best that I can be, any negative traits that I do possess, I would like to “wish away”.

 To conclude:

Confidence and projecting confidence is a daily battle that I am faced with. Every day brings forth a new opportunity to push myself to the next level. I was afraid before but now I am not holding back. The only things standing in the way of my success are my inhibitions. I am jealous of nobody. I see how others who are too cowardly to face me, befriending those close to me, to copy my ideas and pass them off as their own; my business ideas, my plans, my input, my ideas.

I am not angry or upset. Rather I am happy and grateful. Through others I have validated myself. They will succeed as far as they can copy the next individual…

I however am original and only I can be me.

Writing this post has sparked the poet inside me. You have to agree with me that the title is rather poetic right? I couldn’t resist. Mind you, I have only ever written one other poem which was 12 years ago, in high school. Bearing this in mind, criticize with kindness. The poem is titled “Be not afraid to be you”.

Thoughts?

This post written in response to the WordPress weekly writing challenge

 

Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter: @Fowzia_Gamiet

ToxicSweety over and out.

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Authored by Fowzia Gamiet, ToxicSweety's Pensieve is a written montage of memories, experiences and anything current and newsworthy. Taken from the Harry Potter series specifically "Goblet of Fire" a "pensieve" is a magical repository for memories. I always love hearing from readers of my blog, so please leave your memory/ comment on ToxicSweety's Pensieve. Enjoy!

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Posted in DP Challenge, Weekly Writing Challenge, Women
2 comments on “I wish I were not what I am… not what I am not
  1. roxyuncut says:

    This is such a nd indepth topic,one not really spoken about and yet in my experience one that everyone struggles with. I think that only through introspection can you grow into who you want to be! That being said this is a very hard process. I think the external world sends so many messages that it is easy to get it mixed up. Knowing @ the end of the day is one of the most rewarding experiences! Love your blog more and more as I discover something new on it everyday!

    Like

    • ToxicSweety says:

      Hi Roxy

      I am very happy that you are enjoying some of my posts. I agree with you that introspection is absolutely vital. We live in a finger-pointing/ “pass-the-buck world where accountability is seriously lacking. There is always that chance that we can be influenced my “outside/ external” forces but the true test at the end of the day, is to try to remain yourself despite these influences.

      Thank you, I appreciate your feedback 🙂

      Like

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